ON RACE
/I wrote this post in August 2017, and never published it. It stayed in my drafts for three years, I am not sure entirely why, maybe I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. I am publishing it today, in light of recent events, because I absolutely refuse to be silent about this anymore.
In my lifetime, there hasn't much much talk on race, or if there was I hadn't engaged in it, up until recently. I grew up in a white neighborhood, attended predominantly white schools, played on nearly all white sports teams, and so on. Of my closest friends, very few didn’t look or dress just like me. I have never felt embarrassed, less than, or marginalized because of the color of my skin. I remember doing a report on a historical figure in third grade and choosing Rosa Parks and being proud of her. But the extent of my knowledge and history of racism abruptly stopped there.
I am learning, slowly, more and more about what it means to be white.
I attended an equity conference for work in August 2017 and it was a valuable experience for me. At the conference, I would say 99% of people held the same viewpoint as me - that equality matters and America is not where we want it to be today. I also experienced an encounter that made me think twice about biases.
We did an exercise where we talked about where our country has come since the preamble was created in 1787. Who created it, its intentions, what it stood for, what it meant. We then looked at a number line, from 0 - 100, and were asked to choose where we thought our country was today. How far we've come, how far we have yet still to go. And then we were asked to physically stand and place ourselves near that corresponding number along a line, so that we could visually see people’s viewpoints. We heard from various people across all the numbers and their thoughts behind it. The numbers, for the majority, fell somewhere in the middle, but there were many lower and a few high ones. When we were back in our assigned seats, were asked to think about what made people choose the number they did - maybe because of their history, culture, past experiences, and so on. People called out various thoughts, and when one person suggested someone’s unknown privilege as an influence to the number they chose, the white male sitting next to me, who had picked the highest number along the line, turned to me and muttered, "THERE it is," angrily, loudly, mockingly.
It took me aback for a second. I generally don't encounter people who don't believe that white privilege exists, or further, people who believe white people are being oppressed. It was eye opening for me, and shocking. We don’t see much of that here on the west coast. I know there are different views out there, maybe even someone reading this post resonates with that feeling. To that I would say: we’ve gotten it wrong before, and we’re still getting it wrong today. Let’s try to have an open mind as we hear from the voices of people who don’t always get the mic.
Other things I learned from that conference:
Racism exists. It is present today. Is it not something in the past or that was eliminated because Obama was elected president.
We all have biases. They may be overt or covert, but we all have them. Just because we have them doesn't mean we are bad. We are a byproduct of this system, not the creators of it. I thought this was a really interesting point. If someone were to ask you, "Are you racist?" and you advocate for equality, it would seem easy to answer, "No." But the correct response is, "Yes, I have inherent biases, and you do too. But I am working hard to understand and correct them so that I can better connect with people who are different from me."
If we continue to deny that racism exists, in our world or in ourselves, we are unable to move forward and create progress and change. We must first acknowledge it's presence and it's widespread effects, so that we can create real and lasting impact.
A personal story:
We have a few black friends here in Seattle. When Trey was a baby, around 8 months, every time he saw one of our friends who is black, he would burst into tears. This continued, repeatedly, embarrassingly, every single time we'd see him. So we bought Trey a black baby doll, diversified our library, and continued to hang out with our friends. Eventually, with our coaxing and gentle language and time, he stopped crying and now he is friends with our friends. But I remember experiencing my own child, so overcome with anxiety that he was clinging to me and crying, at the sight of a different skin color. It was so interesting. He didn't even know the history - but he was scared because it was different. I think a lot of adults are grown up children who never got over their fear of the other, of someone being different.
My experience watching Trey taught me two things:
One. Kids notice. Our babies and our children are noticing differences. By being "colorblind" and not acknowledging the differences we are not helping the situation but hurting.
Two. Our kids may have lots of feelings and possibly fears about noticing something that is different. Instead of ignoring or avoiding these, we need to get curious about it, acknowledge it, and enter into that with them. We need to actively start and continue important conversations around race and differences, so that we can change the next generation. I can think of no greater impact as a mom than to raise a kind-hearted child who grows up to be a tolerant, accepting adult who celebrates and seeks out differences.
Two studies that will change your mind (and break your heart)
A Class Divided by Jane Elliott
Here's how I know I have privilege:
When I buy Band-Aids, they match my skin color.
It's easy to find people who look like me represented positively in the media.
I had dolls that looked like me growing up.
When I learned about American history in school, I learned about people of my race.
I can comfortably avoid, ignore, or minimize the impact of racism on my life. (Yes, and wow.)
Adapted from Peggy McIntosh's Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack.
I am learning. I am working hard to recognize and dismantle my own inherent biases and want to be an agent of change, in myself, in my family, in my community. I do not get this perfect. But I would rather stumble through my awkward attempts than be silent anymore.
This is an ongoing conversation for me and my family. I hope you'll join us.
